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Finally, a writer that realizes
that there's just not enough good Alaskan humor! "A
Brief History of Alaska" by Keith Anderson
Last month, a
group from church met up with some folks from a couple of local
churches and went on a missions trip to Alaska. To help prepare them for
this trip, I put together this brief history of Alaska. Although no-one
said so, I believe it helped them
immeasurably...
Alaska was discovered in the early 18th century by intrepid
explorer Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. After claiming the land in the
name of King Ferdinand of Isabella, he sold it to Tsar Nicholas, who
reached into his bag of toys, which, having been emptied the previous
evening in Nicholas’s annual trip around the world, contained only
some beads and corn, which the native Esquimeaux called maize. Fairbanks
gladly took his payment, and fled to Kansas, in he U.S., where he later
gained notoriety for his exploits, traveling around the area planting
corn (maize) seeds, while wearing a tin pot on his head. Legend has it
that this pot had a small crack in it, which, as Fairbanks roamed the
countryside sowing corn, grew wider. This is said to be the origin of
the use of the phrase ‘cracked pot’ in referring to anyone with
bizarre behavioral patterns. ‘Cracked pot’ quickly became shortened
to the more familiar ‘crackpot’, which is still in use. Fairbanks
eventually became a sort of folk legend, known widely as Johnny Cornseed
(Maizeseed).
After several decades of widespread trapping, hunting, clubbing,
harpooning, and general mayhem directed at the native Alaskan penguin,
the species was so nearly driven to distraction and extinction that Tsar
Nicholas was forced (by beheading) to abdicate his throne. His sister,
the Tsarina Cattress, who orchestrated the beheading, assumed the throne
upon his abdication. Seeing the sorry state he had allowed the Alaskan
territories to sink to, she decided to wash her hands of the whole
stinking mess, and started trying to find a buyer. By the middle
of the early 18th century, she had succeeded in foisting Alaska off on
the United States of America.
The purchase of Alaska became known in America as ‘Fulton’s
Folly’, named after Bishop Fulton. The bishop was known for his fiery
sermons and theatrical speeches, which he often performed while wearing
a $4000 robe, complete with cape, and while smoking a cigarette, which
he used both as a prop, and as a method of delivering nicotine, to which
he was addicted, into his bloodstream. Unfortunately, when it became
common knowledge that Fulton’s Folly actually referred to the
steamboat, the Bishop, humiliated, died of old age in his sleep.
By the end of the early 18th century, the American public had
come to refer to the purchase of Alaska as ‘Seward’s Folly’, after
the Secretary Of The Interior Design, Picard Seward, the man who had
actually forked over government cash to the Russians for what was
considered by all to be nothing more than a vast, lifeless, frozen
wasteland. However, before the ink was dry on the bill of sale, gold was
discovered by two intrepid explorers, Yukon Jack and Klondike Barr. Jack
and Barr had been traveling the Alaskan wilderness, poaching what little
was left of the Alaskan penguin population. One day, while shooting at
some food, up from the ground came a bubbling crude. Black gold. While
they stayed at the site of their first strike mining the gold, all was
quiet. But when Jack and Barr had filled their sacks with their
treasure, they went to Fairbanks to have the gold assayed. It did
not take long before word leaked out, and the Alaskan gold rush was
begun.
Soon, intrepid explorers from all over the globe had made their
way to Alaska in hopes of repeating Jack and Barr’s incredible
find. Most of their plans came to naught. Many froze to death in
the sub-Arctic winter. Many more gave up, disheartened after breaking
and splitting their nails on the permafrost, and finding nothing but
trouble for their troubles. Many became disoriented, unable to
find their bearings in the tractless white vastness of the Alaskan
wilderness, and wandered lost, only to be set upon and have their hearts
torn out by small bands of the ferocious Alaskan penguins. Then, it was
discovered that the Alaskan gold was truly black gold, and was,
therefore, nearly worthless. After its proud and glorious beginning, the
Alaskan gold rush came, sputtering, to a quiet and ignoble end.
For the rest of the beginning of the 18th century all was quiet
in Alaska, and would have stayed so, but for the coming of World War II.
After the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor in Hawaii, America was drawn
into World War II in a big way. After the war was won, a grateful nation
was looking for a way to honor the memory of the heroes who had fought
and died, and the heroes who had lived and fought at Pearl Harbor. Soon
it was decided to accept Hawaii into the United States as the newest
state. However, since Hawaii was as near to paradise on earth as could
be found, it was thought that making Hawaii a state would leave some of
the other states looking rather shabby, and downright trailer-parkish by
comparison. A proposition was put forth that a more unpleasant,
inhospitable place could be found, and accepted as a state into union at
the same time as Hawaii, thereby balancing out the whole equation. All
eyes turned towards the Alaskan Territories. What more unpleasant,
inhospitable place could be found? That the area was already owned by
the United States made the decision all the easier, and
in 1959, both Hawaii and Alaska were accepted into the United States of
America as the 49th and 50th states.
In the early 21st century, a group of intrepid explorers, most
of them young missionaries from New England, made their way to Alaska.
Settling finally in the port city of Ketchikan, they began a series of
works that would change Alaska forever.
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